sometimes hide themselves when you really need them
to contradict and confuse.
you keep demanding them and they do not surface from the tangle of jumbled fragments of thoughts and feelings deep inside of me. instead, with glazed eyes i apologise. it's not even that i'm thinking in another language. i wish that was the reason. or maybe i am, but not in a language as it is taught in school - memorise a paragraph to pass the french GCSE. Language is so much more. it' about you and it's about me. and being open. and ready to make mistakes. and learning constantly. and tone and pitch and accent and slang. and LISTENING. and confidence and wanting to communicate. communication - so much more than words. and yet words is what you ask of me. i cannot summarise a person, nor a relationship, nor a country, nor the last 9 months in a few sounds shaped out by my tired tongue. to really show you, if you really actually wanted to know the answers to you questions (or are you just being polite?), i'd have to take you there. to the places i have been, literally and in my thoughts and feelings and dreams. and that is not possible. i don't think. because that would mean going backwards and then how do i keep looking forwards and being here today if you keep asking me to go back. Yet it is not just you. i, me, am the one who obsessively writes everything down all the while doubting the capacity of the scrawled characters to convey what i want them to convey. maybe i just need to learn more words, widen my vocabulary? i'm sure there's a lot more of them out there waiting to be found, fitting my requirements a little better. And it is I, not you, who keeps looking back, doesn't want to forget a thing, records her life in words and pictures. 2-D. a whole missing dimension? i don't know why. maybe i am worried that today won't be enough without the presence of a whole lot of yesterdays. or that I am not enough without all the me's I've been before to back me up and make me a little more interesting. even though i know that's a search without an end because i will never be enough until i surrender it all to the One who is more than enough and give Him some space to Be that in me.